meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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