not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
