We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
