I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
