your parents love me but you hate me
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Enjoy the penises
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
