Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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