if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize