he puts the penis in happiness.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
