Your favorite bartender is back from prision
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
