you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
