just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
