I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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