i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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