don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We're using joints as your birthday candles
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
