So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
