I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
