Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
