there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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