So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
