looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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