You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize
