i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
