so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
