I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
