i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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