I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
