Umm I'm too high to move.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's rum buckets o'clock
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
