had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
