His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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