I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
