he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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