Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
