Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
