if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
