i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
