I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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