Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
