dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
