The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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