Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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