Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize