I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
