I seem to have left my pride at pride
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
