Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
