how can u be prego again
no, he came in my armpit
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
