sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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