i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
