I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
