she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
