i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
