my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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