Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize