i think my tv is drunk
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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