bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
