Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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