you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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