Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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