tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
