after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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