Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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